Day One.

I turn 30 this year. August 12^th to be exact. And I am unprepared. I didn’t think turning 30 would bother me, and if I’m honest I guess the age itself isn’t my issue; the issue is that I made a list – mentally – as a teenager, as I think many of us do, and so very little has been crossed off that list that it bothers me. I feel like I’m falling behind almost, that I should be at a certain point in my life and I’m not.

At the age of 15 I figured that by 25 – 10 years seemed a long time back then – I would be married (or at the very least engaged); I would have a kid (or, again, at least be pregnant or attempting to get pregnant) and I would have a job that I enjoyed doing and was good at. To complete the bonus level on Life 2.0 you also should have a house, a car and some pets thrown in for good measure.

Nope. Nada. Zilch.

I have a wonderful partner (I’m almost 30, calling him my boyfriend makes it sound like I’m a cradle snatcher) and a job so I can’t say nothing good has happened, but the job is part time and while its enjoyable, it has it’s down sides.

Because of this part time enjoyable job, I find myself alone a lot, at home during the day. You would think this would be good. The house would be clean, dinner would be on the table, washing and ironing up to scratch, but no, unfortunately not the case. I find that being alone so much makes me sad, lethargic, and completely unmotivated to do pretty much anything. I try to keep up appearances but to be honest I watch a lot of bad TV. I attempt a few crafty things such as cards and weird button collages. Occasionally I bake, usually so I have junk food to eat. But all of this simply serves to remind me that I am not up to scratch.

Friends are getting married, having kids, buying houses. I think I feel that somewhere along the way something went wrong. I don’t want the fairytale ending, the big white wedding and the mice making my dress. But I do want a life that excites me. I want something that I can look back at in another 30 years and think ‘Yeah, that was a pretty good ride.’

I know I’m not alone. I know I am not the only almost 30 year old who’s stuck in a rut with no vision of what might be. I know I can’t be the only one who sits at home, desperate to change things but lacking the strength or courage to try. What if it all falls apart around me?