Life through a skewed lense.

As a woman of a certain age (more than 29, less than 31) there are certain expectations put on me by society. I feel like I'm a failure when I don't meet these high standards. And being a female means that once a month I feel even worse about it. Today is one of those days.

I am working in a store two days a week, the rest of the time I try to keep myself occupied which, sadly, involves a lot of tv time. I complain about wanting more work, more hours, or even a different job. But I do very little about finding a new one.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm overweight, and I hate it. So I've joined a unique exercise class with an 8 week challenge and after the first week, at our weigh in, I was the exact same weight. Now, truth be told, I ate more junk food than I should have during that first week, but I still felt down that I hadn't even lost a fraction of a pound. Tonight is the next weigh in and I am dreading it. I've had a better week food wise, but I still have a really negative feeling about going to the class, let alone having to stand on the scales. With the emotions flying around today I may just cry if the figures don't go down. The worst part is I have such a desire for sweet things. I want pancakes, and waffles, and cake, and biscuits! All the time!

I feel inadequate when I look at my sisters. One has a great life. A wonderful, caring husband, a house, two great kids, a job she loves that she created for herself and a social life with friends.  The other has made the decision to go back to college after a few years out. She's found something she loves and, to top it off, is great at. She always looks so well put together and has a wonderful eye for fashion, colours and is completely, totally, 100% honestly herself. I wear the same crappy clothes day in, day out. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, a lack of funds, a lack of creativity, a lack of self confidence.

It's a vicious circle really. This lack of funds thing is a problem, which is caused by the lack of hours at work and having bills that come first. I'm thirty years old and can't drive and don't own a car because I've never had the luxury of having a full time job so I could pay for lessons so I can get a licence. A car is such a huge expense, even a crappy fourth hand twenty year old car still needs tax and insurance and someone with a licence to drive it.

Go to a dictionary or a thesaurus. Find all the words that you can that would describe someone who was suffering with a very, very low self esteem and I think most of them would apply to me. Especially for one week a month. The other three I feel okay. I cope. I don't feel great but I put on a good face. It's not easy. It's part of the reason I started going to the exercise class, hoping doing three or four classes a week would help cheer me up, make me feel better. And it works, temporarily. But only temporarily. The instructor is amazing, and she is always happy and smiley and in a good mood, and it motivates me to see her so cheerful, but the following day the motivation is gone.

Rambling helps sometimes, thats what this is for I suppose. I can tell my partner and he listens, but I don't think he truly understands. He tries, and he is wonderful, but I feel silly when I try explain my moods and thoughts and emotions to him. So sometimes I just say I'm fine, and leave it at that. Isn't that what we all do?

Say Something...

I've been sorting through some music today for my radio show, and I keep coming back to the same song. Whether its the lyrics, the voices, I'm not sure what, but something draws me back to this song over and over. And not the original. The original is good, great even, but the Pentatonix cover just tugs at something in me. Their blend of vocals is always beautiful, and I find myself repeat playing their tracks. I had always hoped that singing would be something I could do professionally, but I got knocked back and took it too seriously and that was the end of that. Karaoke and singing along with the radio is about my only outlet now. Anyway, here is the song. Its beautiful. Enjoy.


PTX - Say Something