As a woman of a certain age (more than 29, less than 31) there are certain expectations put on me by society. I feel like I'm a failure when I don't meet these high standards. And being a female means that once a month I feel even worse about it. Today is one of those days.
I am working in a store two days a week, the rest of the time I try to keep myself occupied which, sadly, involves a lot of tv time. I complain about wanting more work, more hours, or even a different job. But I do very little about finding a new one.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm overweight, and I hate it. So I've joined a unique exercise class with an 8 week challenge and after the first week, at our weigh in, I was the exact same weight. Now, truth be told, I ate more junk food than I should have during that first week, but I still felt down that I hadn't even lost a fraction of a pound. Tonight is the next weigh in and I am dreading it. I've had a better week food wise, but I still have a really negative feeling about going to the class, let alone having to stand on the scales. With the emotions flying around today I may just cry if the figures don't go down. The worst part is I have such a desire for sweet things. I want pancakes, and waffles, and cake, and biscuits! All the time!
I feel inadequate when I look at my sisters. One has a great life. A wonderful, caring husband, a house, two great kids, a job she loves that she created for herself and a social life with friends. The other has made the decision to go back to college after a few years out. She's found something she loves and, to top it off, is great at. She always looks so well put together and has a wonderful eye for fashion, colours and is completely, totally, 100% honestly herself. I wear the same crappy clothes day in, day out. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, a lack of funds, a lack of creativity, a lack of self confidence.
It's a vicious circle really. This lack of funds thing is a problem, which is caused by the lack of hours at work and having bills that come first. I'm thirty years old and can't drive and don't own a car because I've never had the luxury of having a full time job so I could pay for lessons so I can get a licence. A car is such a huge expense, even a crappy fourth hand twenty year old car still needs tax and insurance and someone with a licence to drive it.
Go to a dictionary or a thesaurus. Find all the words that you can that would describe someone who was suffering with a very, very low self esteem and I think most of them would apply to me. Especially for one week a month. The other three I feel okay. I cope. I don't feel great but I put on a good face. It's not easy. It's part of the reason I started going to the exercise class, hoping doing three or four classes a week would help cheer me up, make me feel better. And it works, temporarily. But only temporarily. The instructor is amazing, and she is always happy and smiley and in a good mood, and it motivates me to see her so cheerful, but the following day the motivation is gone.
Rambling helps sometimes, thats what this is for I suppose. I can tell my partner and he listens, but I don't think he truly understands. He tries, and he is wonderful, but I feel silly when I try explain my moods and thoughts and emotions to him. So sometimes I just say I'm fine, and leave it at that. Isn't that what we all do?
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