Dreaded Three Oh

The title of this post was originally going to be the name of the blog, but I decided against it, because I'm not always going to be complaining about my age. I promise.

My youngest nephew turned 7 today and I helped out at his birthday party. It made me a little glad that I am still childless. I love him and my other nieces and nephews more than I can describe. They are all amazing kids (6 of them in total) but sometimes I think that the six of them is enough. I can get my kid fill any time I like by babysitting. And once they've gone home I am delighted to be by myself again. I can only imagine what it's like to have 2 or 3 around your ankles every hour of every day.  The joys of other peoples kids - you can send them home when it all gets too much.

I had the best of intentions to write here more regularly than once a week but I kept putting it off. Reluctance I think to tie myself into this. Reluctance to tie myself into something permanent, something fixed and long term. Like a job.

I have been inviting people to a birthday celebration, so I'm guessing I kind of have to do something now, but the question is, what?

I change my mind every other week. I keep leaning towards a Mad Hatter Tea Party type event, but where, when, how are all issues. Also, I'm not overly keen on the organising stuff, but I also don't want to let anyone else organise it either. Just means a bit of a tug of war is going to occur soon.

Day One.

I turn 30 this year. August 12^th to be exact. And I am unprepared. I didn’t think turning 30 would bother me, and if I’m honest I guess the age itself isn’t my issue; the issue is that I made a list – mentally – as a teenager, as I think many of us do, and so very little has been crossed off that list that it bothers me. I feel like I’m falling behind almost, that I should be at a certain point in my life and I’m not.

At the age of 15 I figured that by 25 – 10 years seemed a long time back then – I would be married (or at the very least engaged); I would have a kid (or, again, at least be pregnant or attempting to get pregnant) and I would have a job that I enjoyed doing and was good at. To complete the bonus level on Life 2.0 you also should have a house, a car and some pets thrown in for good measure.

Nope. Nada. Zilch.

I have a wonderful partner (I’m almost 30, calling him my boyfriend makes it sound like I’m a cradle snatcher) and a job so I can’t say nothing good has happened, but the job is part time and while its enjoyable, it has it’s down sides.

Because of this part time enjoyable job, I find myself alone a lot, at home during the day. You would think this would be good. The house would be clean, dinner would be on the table, washing and ironing up to scratch, but no, unfortunately not the case. I find that being alone so much makes me sad, lethargic, and completely unmotivated to do pretty much anything. I try to keep up appearances but to be honest I watch a lot of bad TV. I attempt a few crafty things such as cards and weird button collages. Occasionally I bake, usually so I have junk food to eat. But all of this simply serves to remind me that I am not up to scratch.

Friends are getting married, having kids, buying houses. I think I feel that somewhere along the way something went wrong. I don’t want the fairytale ending, the big white wedding and the mice making my dress. But I do want a life that excites me. I want something that I can look back at in another 30 years and think ‘Yeah, that was a pretty good ride.’

I know I’m not alone. I know I am not the only almost 30 year old who’s stuck in a rut with no vision of what might be. I know I can’t be the only one who sits at home, desperate to change things but lacking the strength or courage to try. What if it all falls apart around me?