Life through a skewed lense.

As a woman of a certain age (more than 29, less than 31) there are certain expectations put on me by society. I feel like I'm a failure when I don't meet these high standards. And being a female means that once a month I feel even worse about it. Today is one of those days.

I am working in a store two days a week, the rest of the time I try to keep myself occupied which, sadly, involves a lot of tv time. I complain about wanting more work, more hours, or even a different job. But I do very little about finding a new one.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm overweight, and I hate it. So I've joined a unique exercise class with an 8 week challenge and after the first week, at our weigh in, I was the exact same weight. Now, truth be told, I ate more junk food than I should have during that first week, but I still felt down that I hadn't even lost a fraction of a pound. Tonight is the next weigh in and I am dreading it. I've had a better week food wise, but I still have a really negative feeling about going to the class, let alone having to stand on the scales. With the emotions flying around today I may just cry if the figures don't go down. The worst part is I have such a desire for sweet things. I want pancakes, and waffles, and cake, and biscuits! All the time!

I feel inadequate when I look at my sisters. One has a great life. A wonderful, caring husband, a house, two great kids, a job she loves that she created for herself and a social life with friends.  The other has made the decision to go back to college after a few years out. She's found something she loves and, to top it off, is great at. She always looks so well put together and has a wonderful eye for fashion, colours and is completely, totally, 100% honestly herself. I wear the same crappy clothes day in, day out. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, a lack of funds, a lack of creativity, a lack of self confidence.

It's a vicious circle really. This lack of funds thing is a problem, which is caused by the lack of hours at work and having bills that come first. I'm thirty years old and can't drive and don't own a car because I've never had the luxury of having a full time job so I could pay for lessons so I can get a licence. A car is such a huge expense, even a crappy fourth hand twenty year old car still needs tax and insurance and someone with a licence to drive it.

Go to a dictionary or a thesaurus. Find all the words that you can that would describe someone who was suffering with a very, very low self esteem and I think most of them would apply to me. Especially for one week a month. The other three I feel okay. I cope. I don't feel great but I put on a good face. It's not easy. It's part of the reason I started going to the exercise class, hoping doing three or four classes a week would help cheer me up, make me feel better. And it works, temporarily. But only temporarily. The instructor is amazing, and she is always happy and smiley and in a good mood, and it motivates me to see her so cheerful, but the following day the motivation is gone.

Rambling helps sometimes, thats what this is for I suppose. I can tell my partner and he listens, but I don't think he truly understands. He tries, and he is wonderful, but I feel silly when I try explain my moods and thoughts and emotions to him. So sometimes I just say I'm fine, and leave it at that. Isn't that what we all do?

Say Something...

I've been sorting through some music today for my radio show, and I keep coming back to the same song. Whether its the lyrics, the voices, I'm not sure what, but something draws me back to this song over and over. And not the original. The original is good, great even, but the Pentatonix cover just tugs at something in me. Their blend of vocals is always beautiful, and I find myself repeat playing their tracks. I had always hoped that singing would be something I could do professionally, but I got knocked back and took it too seriously and that was the end of that. Karaoke and singing along with the radio is about my only outlet now. Anyway, here is the song. Its beautiful. Enjoy.


PTX - Say Something

Magic - yay or nay?

Its funny, I haven't written here in a little while, and I come back and re-read the last post to laugh at myself. Not because I didn't feel like that, I did. Not because it's laughable, its not. But because the first line of this post was also going to be along the lines of I Feel Stuck. Albeit a different kind of stuck.

I am trying to write a story, and I have the basic theme that I want to run through it, but I am stuck for inspiration as to what is going to affect my characters throughout it.

What do I want this story to be about?  My main character is a young girl (currently 16 or so, that is subject to change) who has a connection with a dead famous person. 

Will it be about love, lost and found? Death and dealing with it? A slightly supernatural story, people hearing dead voices…or is it just her? Some unusual connection to the dead? 

I want my protagonist to have a connection to this one particular famous dead person, but not any other dead person, famous or non.

Will it be a very non-exciting book, no major climactic episodes, just day to day living?

Needs something more exciting than that. Needs a middle. Needs guts.

What are the guts though?  What challenges does a 16 year old face?  Bullying – cyber and real? Loss of family member? Moving home and settling into new place?

Or should she be older? 18 or 19? Should it be about the thrills and excitement and nerves of college life? Moving out by herself, living on her own, making her way in the world? Should she be older still, working, dating, maybe even marrying and having children?

Should I go totally supernatural and have her talking to the dead and using it to her advantage? Or should her connection to this one person freak her out and its her attempting to rid herself of it?  

I've read so many books throughout my life, and its not like I have a type. I'll read almost anything. Which makes figuring out what I want to write about difficult for me. I'm interested in so much that picking the few elements I want in this story is proving harder than I expected. 

In the past my stories have been very loosley based in reality. There isn't very often ghosts or ghouls, there isn't an awful lot of drama, because, thankfully and touch wood *touches table* I haven't experienced any overly dramatic and life changing events. The few I have have been good experiences at the end of it all. So I am asking for help. 

What challenges do you face? What type stories do you enjoy to read about? Do you like things close to home or do you prefer the more magical side of life?

Groundhog Day

I feel stuck. I think this is my main problem at the moment, and it's even harder to explain. I've tried a couple of times to people, but it never seems to make sense, so I stop; change the subject; say it's nothing, don't worry.

I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day; like I am living a variation of the same day over and over and over, and yet I can't find anything that motivates me to change it.

Filming and such

A film crew came to town this week to film a commercial for a national chain of grocery store. There were auditions, road closures; they even painted a couple of run down buildings on the main street to make everything look picture perfect.

But the complaints! I work in a store, on the main street, and all I heard throughout the day the road was closed was complaints and questions. Mostly "When will they be done?"

It was possibly the nicest day we have had so far this Spring. The sun was shining, the sky actually looked blue, there were only whispers of clouds up there and to top it all off, it was warm. Imagine! In Ireland, in April, it felt warm! Crazy. But people were complaining because on this beautiful day they had to - wait for it - walk down the town, and go ever so slightly out of their way to get to their destination instead of going down the pain in the behind, one way system, awkward, skinny ass hill that passes for a main street in this place. I just don't understand people.

To be fair, yes, some of the people are folks who need to drive, who cant walk very far and have relatives drop them at the door, but 90% of the moaners were able bodied. Just plain lazy.

Get up. Get out. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy the fact that Our Town has been chosen as the place to film this commercial. Be excited. Be involved. But mostly, if you can't say something nice, keep your mouth shut.

Pet Peeves

Using Youtube while I'm pottering in my kitchen, have a couple of playlists set up. But what really bugs me is bands who think they need to address me, the viewer, at the end of every single video. Once or twice is forgiven, ya know, the day their album is released, sure, or if they're announcing something special. But not every time you post a video. If I like you enough to have bothered to find you on youtube, it means I will probably look you up if I want to find out tour dates or album names or release dates.

No need to address me, the viewer, every time.

"Hey guys, thanks for watching."

Stop it. It messes up my playlist time.

Dreaded Three Oh

The title of this post was originally going to be the name of the blog, but I decided against it, because I'm not always going to be complaining about my age. I promise.

My youngest nephew turned 7 today and I helped out at his birthday party. It made me a little glad that I am still childless. I love him and my other nieces and nephews more than I can describe. They are all amazing kids (6 of them in total) but sometimes I think that the six of them is enough. I can get my kid fill any time I like by babysitting. And once they've gone home I am delighted to be by myself again. I can only imagine what it's like to have 2 or 3 around your ankles every hour of every day.  The joys of other peoples kids - you can send them home when it all gets too much.

I had the best of intentions to write here more regularly than once a week but I kept putting it off. Reluctance I think to tie myself into this. Reluctance to tie myself into something permanent, something fixed and long term. Like a job.

I have been inviting people to a birthday celebration, so I'm guessing I kind of have to do something now, but the question is, what?

I change my mind every other week. I keep leaning towards a Mad Hatter Tea Party type event, but where, when, how are all issues. Also, I'm not overly keen on the organising stuff, but I also don't want to let anyone else organise it either. Just means a bit of a tug of war is going to occur soon.